Det. Pep Streebek's Memorable Quotes:
[Joe Friday arrives]
Thank God, it's Friday!
"Prepare the virgin"? I don't like the sound of that.
Let's just hope they're not referring to you.
Ma'am, what is the approximate dry weight of the average Madagascan fruit tree bat?
You mean you don't know?
[Friday is about to eat a chili dog]
You know the kinds of things that can fall into an industrial sausage press? Not excluding rodent hairs and... bug excrement?
[Friday gives a disgusted look]
I hate you, Streebeck.
And if I may a toast... to
may you live as long as you want but never want as long as you live.
Are you crazy? Silvia Wiss wanted you!
Now let me tell you something, Streebeck. There are two things that clearly differentiate the human species from animals. One, we use cutlery. Two, we're capable of controlling our sexual urges. Now, you might be an exception, but don't drag me down into your private Hell.
You've got a lot of repressed feelings, don't you, Friday? Must be what keeps your hair up.
Basically, it burns the eyes, lungs and throat, causes vomiting and if continuously inhaled, death.[to Friday]
Oh, sort of like your aftershave.
[on a multi-lane highway, traffic all around is passing and sounding horns]
You know, uh, Friday, we're allowed to go 55... On some occasions, even faster.
I'm well aware of the federally mandated speed limit, Streebeck. But, did it ever occur to you that, by going eight miles an hour slower, we might save some gasoline and ease the burden on the poor taxpayers out there who pay our salaries?
Friday, a little extra gas isn't gonna put the city in hock; besides, this looks bad! Come on, live a little - it's the vertical pedal on the right.
[Streebek hands over a broken phone to Friday]
It's for you. It's the president.
[reading from huge lit up sign]
People... Against... Goodness... And... Normalcy. P, A, G, A, N. P.A.G.A.N.!
Nice work, Joe.
[after bursting into a suspected drug factory with a tank that ruptures all equipment in its path, sticks out tongue to identify liquid spraying in all directions]
I can't quite place it! It tastes like...
Milk. Just like the sign said before you obliterated it. Fresh wholesome milk.
You probably love this stuff.
Vitamin D, calcium, essential for good strong bones and healthy teeth. But that's all Greek to you, isn't it, Mr. Gingivitis?
Well, what a pleasant surprise... Grannie Friday...
Not that it's any of your business, she's my maternal grandmother, her name is Mundy.
[Friday's car was stolen]
With the exception of you and canned cling peaches I'd be hard pressed to find anyone or anything that doesn't know you should never leave your car keys in the ignition.
It's called a mistake, Friday, but I don't suppose you ever make any of those, do you?
Friday, Streebeck, we got another one. Chemical train hijack down at the freight yards. Damn Pagans must be living on No-Doz!
Yessir, Captain. We'll roll as soon as we requisition a new...
Oh, one more thing. Police and fire departments all over the county have been reporting vehicles stolen. So keep an eye on your car!
Hey partner. I tried to call you up till midnight. I didn't know the Christian Science reading rooms stayed open so late.
Not that it's any of your business, but I spend the evening in the company of Connie Swail.
Don't you mean "the Virgin Connie Swail"?
[Friday looks at Streebeck as the Dragnet theme starts]
Wait a minute!
[Friday and Streebeck's squad car has just been blown up]
My hat was in that car.
Yeah, well I can tell you just who re-blocked it for you.
[looking at a lion who's mane has been shaved into a mohawk]
Somebody must have wanted that lion's mane pretty bad to pull a twisted stunt like that.
Although, as mohawks go it's not that bad. It'll grow back.
Yeah, and how do you tell that to these kids here who have never seen a lion before and now probably won't have the desire to ever see one again.
Kids, it'll grow back.
Look Muzz, we've got you on 87 violations of the motor vehicle code, it's only a matter of time before we tie you into one of those PAGAN jobs, not to mention that you stole your landlady's wedding dress which so far is the only endearing thing about you. So why don't you talk to us?
[after waking Capt. Gannon and briefing him in the middle of the night]
Friday, do you have any idea what time it is?
[looks at his watch]
Oh, don't ask him that, Captain.
It's 4:27am, sir.
He lives for that. It's in his blood.
You know, Friday, I think you and the Commissioner would make a cute couple. I like the way you both keep your jaws locked. Plus the two of you do share that same curious affection for hats.
May I remind you that only this morning Commissioner Kirkpatrick threatened to turn me into a... civilian?
Yeah, I know. There was was a gleam in her eye, though...
This guy knows God personally, I hear they play racquetball together.
Well, just go ahead and chuckle away, mister. I don't hear God laughing.
You will, once he sees your haircut.
[reading from notebook during high speed chase]
"Reckless endangerment of human life, willful disregard of private property, failure to signal for a... "
Yeah, he's really raking up the violations, isn't he.
Not him, you. This is your one way ticket back to civilian life, Mr. I-Like-To-Throw-The-Book-Out-The-Window.
That's a good idea.
[throws book out the window]
Do join us, Detective Swayback.
[about Reverend Jonathan Whirley]
And he'd better tell me where Connie is or I'll shove that collar so far down his throat I'll have to take off his shoes to ring his neck!
Friday, listen to yourself! You're not thinking like a cop any more, you're thinking like a man in love!
Kill the good! Kill the good! Kill the good!
[to the crowd, showing his badge to them]
You are all under arrest!
[They keep chanting]
Each of you has the right to remain silent! If you waive the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law!
Oh for crying out loud!
[Pulls out his gun, cocks it, and fires warning shots in the air, which finally disperse the crowd]
There's the limo from the mansion.
Yeah, and that's Emil Muzz.
Let's check Enid Bordon's description.
[Opens his notebook and reads from it]
Big, bad, stupid-looking.
An exact match.
[both looking at Connie Swail in Enid Borden's wedding dress]
2 to 1, that's Enid Borden's wedding dress.
20 to 1 Enid Borden didn't look that good on her wedding day.
Can you swim?
Red Cross junior lifesaver with clusters, bub!
[while interrogating Muzz and getting no-where]
Joe, I could use some coffee.
[turns to Muzz]
You want anything?[defiantly]
Chewing gum... Snickers bar... and my attorney, badge kisser!
[Friday leaves Muzz alone with Streebeck]
Well... it's just you... and me... *your balls*...
[pulls open a desk drawer]
and this drawer!
[slams it shut]
Alright, let's run through it again. You say you're a Pagan, but we caught you working for Jerry Caeser. That makes you a plant in my book. Why don't you just make it easy on yourself and lead us to the stolen magazines?
[Giving the finger to Friday]
Jump on this and spin, cop! I'm not saying another word until my attourney gets here!
Say Joe, wouldn't a couple of danishes go great with this coffee right now?
[as he says this, he opens the drawer he used on Muzz earlier, and Muzz looks horrified]
You know, Muzz, you have the right to remain silent. If you give up the right to remain silent any thing you s-, you know these words, Muzz! C'mon, sing along!
Anything-you-say can-and WILL be USED against-you IN a-court of LAW!
Oh Joe, you never had these feelings before, have you?
Almost. I had a kitten once.
Yeah, it's going to be a little different. Connie is not going to be sleeping in a box, or meowing all night, or clawing up your drapes. Or maybe she will. I mean, you're both kind of starting from scratch with this.
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