Mr. Brown
Quentin Tarantino as "Mr. Brown" in Reservoir Dogs (1992):
[after Mr. Pink's tipping conversation] Jesus Christ!
Sgt. Joe Friday
Sgt. Joe Friday
Actor: Dan Aykroyd (age 34 in this movie)
Sgt. Joe Friday's Memorable Quotes:
Sylvia Wiss
Sgt. Joe Friday
[pulls her top off] Do these look like the breasts of a forty year old woman?No ma'am. They're quite impressive... bordering on spectacular.
Sgt. Joe Friday
Det. Pep Streebek
"Prepare the virgin"? I don't like the sound of that.Let's just hope they're not referring to you.
Sgt. Joe Friday
I don't care what undercover rock you crawled out from, there's a dress code for detectives in Robbery-Homicide. Section 3-605. 10. 20. 22. 24. 26. 50. 70. 80. It specifies: clean shirt, short hair, tie, pressed trousers, sports jacket or suit, and leather shoes, preferably with a high shine on them.
Sgt. Joe Friday
Det. Pep Streebek
Ma'am, what is the approximate dry weight of the average Madagascan fruit tree bat?You mean you don't know?
Sgt. Joe Friday
Reverend Jonathan Whirley
Ah, sure, but just like every other foaming, rabid psycho in this city with a foolproof plan, you've forgotten you're facing the single finest fighting force ever assembled.The Israelis?
Det. Pep Streebek
Sgt. Joe Friday
[Friday is about to eat a chili dog]You know the kinds of things that can fall into an industrial sausage press? Not excluding rodent hairs and... bug excrement?

[Friday gives a disgusted look]

I hate you, Streebeck.
Det. Pep Streebek
Sgt. Joe Friday
Are you crazy? Silvia Wiss wanted you!Now let me tell you something, Streebeck. There are two things that clearly differentiate the human species from animals. One, we use cutlery. Two, we're capable of controlling our sexual urges. Now, you might be an exception, but don't drag me down into your private Hell.You've got a lot of repressed feelings, don't you, Friday? Must be what keeps your hair up.
Det. Pep Streebek
Sgt. Joe Friday
[on a multi-lane highway, traffic all around is passing and sounding horns]You know, uh, Friday, we're allowed to go 55... On some occasions, even faster.I'm well aware of the federally mandated speed limit, Streebeck. But, did it ever occur to you that, by going eight miles an hour slower, we might save some gasoline and ease the burden on the poor taxpayers out there who pay our salaries?Friday, a little extra gas isn't gonna put the city in hock; besides, this looks bad! Come on, live a little - it's the vertical pedal on the right.
Sgt. Joe Friday
Look out. Muppets!
Sgt. Joe Friday
Det. Pep Streebek
[reading from huge lit up sign]People... Against... Goodness... And... Normalcy. P, A, G, A, N. P.A.G.A.N.!Nice work, Joe.
Det. Pep Streebek
Sgt. Joe Friday
[after bursting into a suspected drug factory with a tank that ruptures all equipment in its path, sticks out tongue to identify liquid spraying in all directions]I can't quite place it! It tastes like...Milk. Just like the sign said before you obliterated it. Fresh wholesome milk.You probably love this stuff.Vitamin D, calcium, essential for good strong bones and healthy teeth. But that's all Greek to you, isn't it, Mr. Gingivitis?
Enid Borden
Sgt. Joe Friday

[Friday knocks on her door, she opens]

What the hell do you want?

[as he and Streebek show their badges]

Police officers, maam.'Bout time you pencil-dicks showed up. Why couldn't you have gotten here before that big bad stupid-looking piece of sewage breath stole my white wedding dress?'Sewage-breath' is your little nickname for?Muzz. Emil Muzz.[1140]:

[Looks at Friday]

Not much of an improvement.
Sgt. Joe Friday
Reverend Jonathan Whirley
Hold it right there, Whirley. Police officer, you're under arrest.I beg your pardon, what is this? Some kind of a feeble joke?Oh, it's a real knee-slapper, friend, if you consider California Penal Code section 4A, 4207A, 597 and 217 Theft, Kidnapping, Cruelty to Animals and Attempted Murder something to laugh about.I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.My partner and I witnessed that little torchlight picnic you threw last night, we're gonna put you where your kind always ends up - in a seven by seven foot grey-green metal cage in the fifteenth floor of some hundred-year-old penitentiary, with damp, stinking walls and a wooden plank for a bed. Sure, this city isn't perfect, we need a smut-free life for all of our citizens; cleaner streets, better schools, and good hockey team. But the big difference between you and me, mister, is you made the promise, and I'm going to keep it.

[everyone applauds]

Sgt. Joe Friday
Jerry Caesar
Can you tell me how much a monthly run of your "magazine" is worth?Well, let's just say it's more money than you'll ever see in your life. And I do that every month.At least my money is clean.Tell you what you can do, Friday, before you go home and start polishing your pennies. Why don't you go out there and get my magazines back on the stands where they belong?Listen, hotshot. I'm gonna tell you something right now. I don't care for you or for the putrid sludge you're troweling out. But until they change the laws and put you sleaze kings out of business, my job is to help you get back your stench ridden boxes of smut. And since I'll be doing it holding my nose, I'll be doing it with one hand.
Caesar Mansion Intercom
Sgt. Joe Friday
Oh, thank God, vibrator repair!No, ma'am, LAPD. Sorry.
Det. Pep Streebek
Sgt. Joe Friday
Well, what a pleasant surprise... Grannie Friday...Not that it's any of your business, she's my maternal grandmother, her name is Mundy.
Captain Bill Gannon
Sgt. Joe Friday
Frank won't be coming into work today Joe.24 hour virus?Or tomorrow.48 hour?Frank quit, moved to Ukiah, bought a goat farm...
Sgt. Joe Friday
Det. Pep Streebek
Captain Bill Gannon
[Friday's car was stolen]With the exception of you and canned cling peaches I'd be hard pressed to find anyone or anything that doesn't know you should never leave your car keys in the ignition.It's called a mistake, Friday, but I don't suppose you ever make any of those, do you?Friday, Streebeck, we got another one. Chemical train hijack down at the freight yards. Damn Pagans must be living on No-Doz!Yessir, Captain. We'll roll as soon as we requisition a new...Oh, one more thing. Police and fire departments all over the county have been reporting vehicles stolen. So keep an eye on your car!
Connie Swail
Sgt. Joe Friday

[commenting on Streebeck's gun to Friday]

Why is his so much bigger than yours?I've never needed more, ma'am.
Det. Pep Streebek
Sgt. Joe Friday
Hey partner. I tried to call you up till midnight. I didn't know the Christian Science reading rooms stayed open so late.Not that it's any of your business, but I spend the evening in the company of Connie Swail.Don't you mean "the Virgin Connie Swail"?

[Friday looks at Streebeck as the Dragnet theme starts]

Wait a minute!
Sgt. Joe Friday
After losing the two previous vehicles we had been issued, the only car the department was willing to release to us at this point was an unmarked 1987 Yugo, a Yugoslavian import donated to the department as a test vehicle by the government of that country and reflecting the cutting edge of Serbo-Croatian technology.
Sgt. Joe Friday
Det. Pep Streebek
[Friday and Streebeck's squad car has just been blown up]My hat was in that car.Yeah, well I can tell you just who re-blocked it for you.
Sgt. Joe Friday
Det. Pep Streebek
[looking at a lion who's mane has been shaved into a mohawk] Somebody must have wanted that lion's mane pretty bad to pull a twisted stunt like that.Although, as mohawks go it's not that bad. It'll grow back.Yeah, and how do you tell that to these kids here who have never seen a lion before and now probably won't have the desire to ever see one again.Kids, it'll grow back.

[kids cheer]

Enid Borden
Sgt. Joe Friday
The magazines and papers were his down in the trash. No cheques or money, I looked. I should have thrown it all in the river the day he left but unlike some people I have a heart, goddamnit, the miserable little bag of puke.I think we're finished here, don't you Detective Streebeck?
Captain Bill Gannon
Sgt. Joe Friday
Det. Pep Streebek

[after waking Capt. Gannon and briefing him in the middle of the night]

Friday, do you have any idea what time it is?Yes sir.

[looks at his watch]

Oh, don't ask him that, Captain.It's 4:27am, sir.He lives for that. It's in his blood.
Det. Pep Streebek
Sgt. Joe Friday
You know, Friday, I think you and the Commissioner would make a cute couple. I like the way you both keep your jaws locked. Plus the two of you do share that same curious affection for hats.May I remind you that only this morning Commissioner Kirkpatrick threatened to turn me into a... civilian?Yeah, I know. There was was a gleam in her eye, though...
Det. Pep Streebek
Sgt. Joe Friday
This guy knows God personally, I hear they play racquetball together.Well, just go ahead and chuckle away, mister. I don't hear God laughing.You will, once he sees your haircut.
Sgt. Joe Friday
Det. Pep Streebek

[reading from notebook during high speed chase]

"Reckless endangerment of human life, willful disregard of private property, failure to signal for a... "Yeah, he's really raking up the violations, isn't he.Not him, you. This is your one way ticket back to civilian life, Mr. I-Like-To-Throw-The-Book-Out-The-Window.That's a good idea.

[throws book out the window]

Granny Mundy
Sgt. Joe Friday
Det. Pep Streebek
Do join us, Detective Swayback.Streebeck.Pep.
Sgt. Joe Friday
Det. Pep Streebek

[about Reverend Jonathan Whirley]

And he'd better tell me where Connie is or I'll shove that collar so far down his throat I'll have to take off his shoes to ring his neck!Friday, listen to yourself! You're not thinking like a cop any more, you're thinking like a man in love!
Sgt. Joe Friday
Det. Pep Streebek
There's the limo from the mansion.Yeah, and that's Emil Muzz.Let's check Enid Bordon's description.Well?

[Opens his notebook and reads from it]

Big, bad, stupid-looking.An exact match.
Det. Pep Streebek
Sgt. Joe Friday

[both looking at Connie Swail in Enid Borden's wedding dress]

2 to 1, that's Enid Borden's wedding dress.20 to 1 Enid Borden didn't look that good on her wedding day.
Det. Pep Streebek
Sgt. Joe Friday
[to Friday] Can you swim?Red Cross junior lifesaver with clusters, bub!Silly me.
Sgt. Joe Friday
Granny Mundy
Connie Swail
Connie, I'd like you to meet my maternal grandmother Mrs. Grace Mundy. Granny, this is the virgin Connie Swail.You're kidding.Hi.
Sgt. Joe Friday
Emil Muzz
Det. Pep Streebek
Alright, let's run through it again. You say you're a Pagan, but we caught you working for Jerry Caeser. That makes you a plant in my book. Why don't you just make it easy on yourself and lead us to the stolen magazines?

[Giving the finger to Friday]

Jump on this and spin, cop! I'm not saying another word until my attourney gets here!Say Joe, wouldn't a couple of danishes go great with this coffee right now?

[as he says this, he opens the drawer he used on Muzz earlier, and Muzz looks horrified]

Sgt. Joe Friday
But that's all Greek to you, isn't it, Mr. Gingivitis?
Sgt. Joe Friday

[on a motorcycle with Pep]

Streebeck, there's no road here!
Sgt. Joe Friday
[to Pep] They ought to transfer you to Missing Persons, Streebeck. You know everybody.
Det. Pep Streebek
Sgt. Joe Friday
Oh Joe, you never had these feelings before, have you?Almost. I had a kitten once.Yeah, it's going to be a little different. Connie is not going to be sleeping in a box, or meowing all night, or clawing up your drapes. Or maybe she will. I mean, you're both kind of starting from scratch with this.
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