Longshanks
Patrick McGoohan as "Longshanks" in Braveheart (1995):
Bring me Wallace. Alive if possible, dead... just as good.
Private Cowboy
Private Cowboy
Actor: Arliss Howard (age 32 in this movie)
Private Cowboy's Memorable Quotes:
Private Cowboy
Private Joker
Don't shit me, man!I wouldn't shit you. You're my favorite turd!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
Private Cowboy
How tall are you, private?Sir, five-foot-nine, sir.Five-foot-nine, I didn't know they stacked shit that high!
Private Cowboy
I hate Vietnam. There's not one horse in this whole country. There's not one horse in Vietnam. There's somethin' basically wrong with that.
Private Cowboy
I think what she's trying to say is that you black boys pack too much meat.
Private Cowboy
Private Eightball
[Cowboy is sending Eightball to investigate an area for enemies]Eightball, let's dance.Put a nigger behind the trigger!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
Pickett
Toe Jam
Adams
Taylor
Private Joker
Private Gomer Pyle
Private Cowboy
Pickett!Sir, yes, sir!0300. Infantry. Toe Jam!Sir, yes, sir!0300. Infantry. Adams!Sir, yes, sir!1800. Engineers. You go out and find mines. Cowboy!Sir, yes, sir!0300. Infantry. Taylor!Sir, yes, sir!0300. Infantry. Joker!Sir, yes, sir!4212. Basic Military Journalism. You gotta be shittin' me, Joker. You think you're Mickey Spillane? You think you're some kind of a fuckin' writer?Sir, I wrote for my high school newspaper, sir!Jesus H. Christ! You're not a writer. You're a killer!A killer, yes, sir!Gomer Pyle. GOMER PYLE![staring into space] Sir, yes, sir!You forget your fuckin' name? 0300. Infantry. You made it.
Private Joker
Private Cowboy
I wanna slip my tube steak into your sister. What'll you take in trade?What do you got?
Private Cowboy
Private Joker
Private Eightball
Tough break for Hand Job. He was all set to get shipped out on a medical.What was the matter with him?He was jerkin' off ten times a day.No shit. At least ten times a day.Last week he was sent down to Da Nang to see the Navy head shrinker, and the crazy fucker starts jerking off in the waiting room. Instant Section Eight. He was just waiting for his papers to clear division.
Private Joker
Private Cowboy
Private Eightball
Donlon
T.H.E. Rock
Doc Jay
Crazy Earl
Private Rafterman
Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me?Hey, start the cameras. This is "Vietnam - the Movie."Yeah, Joker can be John Wayne. I''ll be a horse.T.H.E. Rock can be a rock.I''ll be Ann-Margret.Animal Mother can be a rabid buffalo.I''ll be General Custer.Well, who''ll be the Indians?

[Animal Mother]:Hey, we''ll let the gooks play the Indians.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
Private Cowboy
Where the hell are you from anyway, private?Sir, Texas, sir.Holy dog shit! Texas? Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy, and you don't look much like a steer to me, so that kinda narrows it down. Do you suck dicks?Sir, no, sir!Are you a peter puffer?Sir, no, sir!I bet you're the kind of guy who would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I'll be watching you!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
Private Cowboy
Private Joker
As soon as your bunks are done, I want you two turds to clean the head. and Sir, yes, sir.I want that head so sanitary and squared-away that the Virgin Mary herself would be proud to go in and take a dump.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
Private Cowboy
Are you shook up? Are you nervous?Sir, I am, sir.Do I make you nervous?Sir?"Sir" what? Were you about to call me an asshole?
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
Private Cowboy
What's your excuse?Sir, excuse for what, sir?I'm asking the fucking questions here, private! Do you understand?Sir, yes, sir.Well, thank you very much! Can I be in charge for a while?Sir, yes, sir.
Private Cowboy
[the recruits have administered a "sock party" beating on Private Pyle]Remember, this was all just a bad dream, fat boy!
Private Cowboy
[last lines]

[Marines]:

[singing] M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E. Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me? M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E. We were sparked from coast to coast and far across the sea. M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E. Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse. Forever let us hold our banner high. High. High. High. High. We play fair but we work hard and we're in harmony. M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E. Hey there! Hi there! Ho there! You're as welcome as can be. M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E. Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse. Forever let us hold our banner high. High. High. High. High. Boys and girls from far and near are welcome as can be. M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E. Come along and sing a song you're welcome as can be. M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E. Mickey Mouse...
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
Private Cowboy
Private Joker
Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit, twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it. Out-fucking-standing! I will PT you all until you fucking die! I'll PT you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk!

[Gunnery Sgt. Hartman grabs Pvt. Cowboy by the shirt]

Was it you, you scroungy little fuck, huh?Sir, no Sir!You little piece of shit! You look like a fucking worm! I bet it was you!Sir, no Sir!Sir, I said it, Sir!Well, no shit. What have we got here, a fucking comedian? Private Joker. I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you, you can come over to my house and fuck my sister!

[Gunnery Sgt. Hartman punches Pvt. Joker in the stomach]

You little scumbag! I got your name! I got your ass! You will not laugh! You will not cry! You will learn by the numbers. I will teach you! Now get up! Get on your feet! You had best unfuck yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!Sir, Yes sir!Private Joker, why did you join my beloved Corps?Sir, to kill, sir!So you're a killer?Sir, yes sir!Then let me see your war face![nervously] Sir?You got a war face! AAAAAAAAHH! That's a war face, let me see your war face!Ahhhh!Bullshit. You didn't convince me. let me see your REAL war face![Screaming] AHHHHHHHHHHH!You don't scare me! Work on it!Sir, yes sir!
Doc Jay
Private Cowboy
Cowboy!What?We can't leave him out there!We're not leaving. We'll get him when the tank comes up.He's hit three fuckin' times, he can't wait that long!I've seen this before, that sniper is just trying to suck us in one at a time.[Eightball is shot a fourth time by the sniper and screams] No!

[Animal Mother opens fire]

Goddam it! No! Goddamit cease fire! You can't see the sniper!Man, fuck this! Fuck this shit! I'm going in to bring him out.No, you sit the fuck down!Cover me!

[Runs out in the open to save Eightball]

Goddamit! Fuck!

[the Lusthog Squad opens fire]

Private Cowboy
Private Joker
Been getting any?Only your sister.Well, better my sister than my mom, and my mom ain't bad.
Private Joker
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
Private Cowboy
[doing a bad John Wayne impersonation] Is that you John Wayne? Is this me?Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit twinkle toed cock-sucker down here who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it. Out-fucking-standing. I will P.T. you all until fucking die. I'll P.T you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk![Grabs Cowboy and questions him] Was you you scroungy little fuck, huh?Sir, No Sir!You little piece of shit, you look like a fucking worm. I'll bet it was you!Sir, No Sir!Sir, I said it sir.Well, no shit. What have we got here? A fucking comedian, Private Joker. I admire your honesty. Hell I like you. You can come over to my house and fuck my sister.[hits Joker in the belly who falls to his knees] You little scumbag! I got your name, I got your ass! You will not laugh, you will not cry. You will learn by the numbers, I will teach you. Now get up, get on your feet. You had best unfuck your self or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck![gets back to his feet] Sir, yes Sir!Private Joker why did you join my beloved Corps?Sir, to kill sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
Private Cowboy
Private Snowball
Private Joker
Do any of you people know who Charles Whitman was? None of you dumbasses knows? Private Cowboy?Sir, he was that guy who shot all those people from that tower in Austin, Texas, sir!That's affirmative. Charles Whitman killed twelve people from a twenty-eight-story observation tower at the University of Texas from distances up to four hundred yards. Anybody know who Lee Harvey Oswald was? Private Snowball?Sir, he shot Kennedy, sir!That's right, and do you know how far away he was?Sir, it was pretty far! From that book suppository building, sir!All right, knock it off! Two hundred and fifty feet! He was two hundred and fifty feet away and shooting at a moving target. Oswald got off three rounds with an old Italian bolt action rifle in only six seconds and scored two hits, including a head shot! Do any of you people know where these individuals learned to shoot? Private Joker?Sir, in the Marines, sir!In the Marines! Outstanding! Those individuals showed what one motivated marine and his rifle can do! And before you ladies leave my island, you will be able to do the same thing!
Private Cowboy
We're the Lust Hog Squad. We're life takers and heartbreakers. We shoot 'em full of holes and fill 'em full of lead.
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