Seth Gecko:

Everybody be cool.

[to Pete]

YOU - be cool.

What are you doing?We are having a bikini contest, and you just won.

What's your name, girlie?Kate. What's yours?Sex Machine. Pleased to meet you, Kate.

Where are you taking us?Mexico.What's in Mexico?Mexicans.

Seth Gecko:

Rule number one: No noise, no question. You make a noise...

[holds up gun]

Mr... 44 makes a noise. You ask a question, Mr. 44 answers it.

Seth Gecko:

Well, your best better get a hell of a lot fucking better, or you are gonna feel a hell of a lot fucking worse.

Seth Gecko:

I know that I have put you through hell, and I know that I have been one rough pecker. But from here on out, you are all in my cool book.

[last lines][to Katie] I may be a bastard, but I'm not a fucking bastard.

Texas Ranger Earl McGraw:

Well, it's been one long goddamn hot miserable shit-ass fuckin' day every inch of the way.

Seth Gecko:

If you try to run, I've got six little friends and they can all run faster than you can.

Seth Gecko:

We did it. We're in Mexico! We're fucking in Mexico you little piece of fucking shit!

[Talking about the Titty Twister]Now, this is my kind of place.

Seth Gecko:

I'm gonna kill every last one of you godless fuckin' pieces of shit!

Now, let's kill that fucking band.I can do that.

Frost:

Yo monkeyman!

[grabs the attention of the vampire Big Emilio]

Anything you got to say to them, say to me first.

[while kicking Chet Pussy]Hi! How ya doin'! Enjoying it! Hope so!

Chet Pussy:

All right, pussy, pussy, pussy! Come on in pussy lovers! Here at the Titty Twister we're slashing pussy in half! Give us an offer on our vast selection of pussy, this is a pussy blow out! All right, we got white pussy, black pussy, Spanish pussy, yellow pussy, we got hot pussy, cold pussy, we got wet pussy, we got ...

[sniffs]

... smelly pussy, we got hairy pussy, bloody pussy, we got snappin' pussy, we got silk pussy, velvet pussy, Naugahyde pussy, we even got horse pussy, dog pussy, chicken pussy! Come on, you want pussy, come on in, pussy lovers! If we don't got it, you don't want it! Come on in, pussy lovers!

[first lines]Hey, Earl.Yes, sir.What do ya know?Well, it's a hot goddam day.

Seth Gecko:

All right, vampire killers... let's kill some fucking vampires.

So, what's the deal with you two, you a couple of fags?He's my son.Yeah, how's that happen? You don't look Japanese.Neither does he. He looks Chinese.Oh, ooh, well excuse me all to hell.

Look, he comes in here everyday, we bullshit; he's used my bathroom about a thousand times; if I told him no, he'd know somethin' was up.Okay, I want him out of here, in his car, and down the road or you can change the name of this place to Benny's World of Blood.

He's in the bathroom. Why don't I just go in there, shoot him in the back of the head, and we can get the fuck out of here.Don't do that! Look, you asked me to act natural, I'm acting natural - in fact, under the circumstances, I think I ought get a fuckin' Academy Award for how natural I'm acting.

[Richard day-dreaming]Richie, would you do me a favor and eat my pussy for me... please?Uhh... sure.

[on his impending vampirization]I'll be a lap dog of Satan.

What's, um, goin' on?We're having a wet bikini contest, and you just won.

[talking to Jacob Fuller about his wife's death in a car crash]Died instantly?Not quite. She was trapped in the wreck for about... six hours before she passed on.Yeah, those acts of God really stick it in and break it off, don't they?Yes, they do.

Seth Gecko:

Fight now, cry later.

Seth Gecko:

Okay hard drinkers, let's drink hard. I'm buyin'.

Chet Pussy:

Attention pussy shoppers! Take advantage of our penny pussy sale! If you buy one piece of pussy at the regular price, you get another piece of pussy of equal or lesser value for only a penny! Try and beat pussy for a penny! If you can find cheaper pussy anywhere else, fuck it!

Seth Gecko:

Here is the peace in death I could not give you in life.

Where are my glasses?They, uh... they broke when you fell.Oh, fuck, Seth, these are, like, my only pair!Don't worry about it, we'll get you another pair.What do you mean, "don't worry about it"? Of course I'm gonna worry about it, I can't fuckin' see.I'll take care of it when we get to El Rey.Yeah, like some Mexican hole-in-the-wall's gonna have my fucking prescription.

Are you so much a fucking loser, you can't tell when you've won?What did you call me?Nothing. I didn't make a statement. I asked a question. Would you like me to ask it again?Umm-hmm.Are you such a loser you can't tell when you've won? The entire state of Texas, along with the F.B.I., is looking for you. Did they find you? No. They couldn't. You've won, Seth, enjoy it.

I'm not gonna drain you completely. You're gonna turn for me. You'll be my slave. You'll live for me. You'll eat bugs because I order it. Why? Because I don't think you're worthy of human blood. You'll feed on the blood of stray dogs. You'll be my foot stool. And at my command, you'll lick the dog shit from my boot heel. Since you'll be my dog, your new name will be "Spot". Welcome to slavery.No, thanks. I've already had a wife.

[shoots the rope holding the wooden chandelier, which impales her]

I came to my senses. I realized I killed the entire V.C. Squad singlehanded. There was blood... and chunks of yellow flesh clinging to my bayonet. To this day, I don't remember...

[Frost's story get's cut off when Sex Machine bites him; Frost screams; bites Jacob; eventually overpowers Kate and Seth, but not before going toward Scott]

He fuckin' bit me! FUCKIN' BIT ME!What are you gonna do about it?Come on, Sex Machine!

[Grabs Sex Machine and tosses him to the front doors]

Are you okay?Peachy, Kate. The world's my oyster, except for the fact that I just rammed a wooden stake in my brother's heart because he turned into a vampire, even though I don't believe in vampires. Aside from that unfortunate business, everything's hunky-dory.

Do you have a cross?In the Winnebago.In other words, no.What are you talking about? We got crosses all over the place. All you gotta do is put two sticks together and you got a cross.He's right. Peter Cushing does that all the time.Okay, I'll buy that.

Has anybody here read a real book about vampires, or are we just remembering what a movie said? I mean a real book.You mean like a Time-Life book?

So, what, were they psychos, or...Did they look like psychos? Is that what they looked like? They were vampires. Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don't give a fuck how crazy they are!

[after Richard blows up Benny's World of Liquor]"Low profile." Do you know what the words "low profile" mean?

[to hostage Gloria] You. Plant yourself in that chair.What are you gonna do with...I said "plant yourself." Plants don't talk.

Shit, I started to get worried. Where the fuck ya been?Sight seein'.What'd ya see?Cops.

So what are you, Jacob? A faithless preacher? Or a mean motherfuckin' servant of God?I'm a mean, mhm mhm servant of God.

Seth Gecko:

Do you think this is who I am? I am a professional thief; I don't kill people I don't have to.

God damn you, God damn you... what the hell you want?What do you think I want, you mean old bastard? I want a fucking room.OK, all right.

Jacob Fuller:

Every person who... chooses the service of God as his life's work has something in common. I don't care if you're a preacher, a priest, a nun, a rabbi or a Buddhist monk. Many, many times during your life you will look at your reflection in a mirror and ask yourself: am I a fool? I'm not going through a lapse; what I've experienced is closer to awakening.

He's not your brother anymore.Well, that is a matter of opinion and I do not give a fuck about yours.

Seth, should I save the last bullets for us?No, use 'em on the next two fucks that try to bite you!

Richie!Yeah.Put in your bit.

[to Kate and Scott]

I grind my teeth.

Seth Gecko:

OK, ramblers. Let's get rambling.

Scott Fuller:

Kill me, Kate.

Richard Gecko:

"How's your hand, Rich?" It hurts like a fucking son of a bitch, thanks for asking, Seth!

[talking about the Titty Twister]You've never been here before?No. I drove by it a couple of times. It's a rowdy place, it's out in the middle of nowhere, there'd be no cops and it's open from dusk till dawn. And didn't you say you wanted to meet in the morning? Here we are.Well since you just picked this place out of a hat, my brother is dead, that girl's entire fucking family is dead!What, were they psychos? Or...Do they look like psychos? Is that what they look like? They were vampires! Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don't give a fuck how crazy they are!Seth, how can I make it up to you?Can't make it up to me Carlos. I tell you, you can't do it. Can't make it up!

[has second thoughts on Carlos' deal]

15%, instead of 30% for my stay in El Ray, that's a good start.28.My brother's gone, you understand that? He is gone, and he is not coming back, and that is your fault. 20.

[shakes on deal]

25.

[about their motel room]Do they have the X-rated channels?No.Do they have HBO?No.Do they have a waterbed?Nope.Well what do they got?They have four walls and a bed and that's all we need.

[ducking behind a display case] Richie! You okay?He shot me in the fucking hand, I told you he said help us!

[screaming in pain]

I NEVER SAID HELP US!Well it doesn't matter now, because you've got about two fucking seconds to live!

Texas Ranger Earl McGraw:

Jesus H. Christ, Pete. When you gonna learn that microwave food'll kill you faster than a bullet? I mean, them damn burritos ain't good for nothing but a hippie, when he's high on weed.

Seth Gecko:

Jacob, you're going to keep going down this road until you get to DiGallo. When you get to DiGallo, you're going to turn this big bastard left, and go a couple of miles until you see a bar called "The Titty Twister." And to my understanding, you cannot miss it.[755]:Then?[753]:And then you stop, because that's where were going.

Why, out of all the God-forsaken shitholes in Mexico, do we have to meet here?One place's just as good as another.

Seth Gecko:

Now I'm gonna ask you one question, and all I want is a yes or no answer: Do you wanna live through this?

You serve food here, Jose?Best in Mexico.I kinda doubt that.

[after first entering the Titty Twister bar]I could become a regular.

Titty Twister Guitarist & Vocalist:

Fuck you everybody, good night!

[explosion as band disappears]

Seth Gecko:

And if there is a hell, and those sons of bitches are from it, then there has got to be a heaven... Jacob, there's gotta be.

Chet Pussy:

You know what they say about me? I suck!

I don't give a damn about living or dying anymore; all I care about is taking as many as those demons back to hell as I can.Amen.

[puts a gun to Sex-Machine's head]You touch my brother with that stake, biker, and vampires won't have to suck your blood. They'll be able to lick it up off the floor.

Richie, get back on the clock.How many?Three.

[repeated line]I swear to God in Jesus Christ's name.

Seth Gecko:

And I don't want to hear anything about "I don't believe in vampires" because *I* don't believe in vampires, but I believe in my own two eyes, and what *I* saw is fucking vampires!

[marking the sudden change in the movie's direction]What the FUCK?

Texas Ranger Earl McGraw:

I think I'm gonna get tanked tonight.

Does anybody know what's going on here?I know what's going on. We got a bunch of fucking vampires out there, trying to get in here and suck our fucking blood. And that's it. Plain and simple. I don't want to hear anything about "I don't believe in vampires," because I don't fucking believe in vampires, but I believe in my own two eyes, and what I saw, is fucking vampires. Now, do we all agree that what we are dealing with is vampires?Yes.

We need to have a talk. What's your name?Gloria.Hello, Gloria, I'm Seth. That's my brother Richie. Let's cut to the chase. I'm going to ask you one question, and all I want is a yes or no answer. Do you want to live through this?Yes.Good. Rule #1: No noise. No questions. If you make a noise,

[He pulls out his gun]

Mister .44 makes a noise. If you ask a question, Mister .44 answers it. Now are you absolutely, positively clear about Rule #1?Yes.Rule #2: You do what we say when we say it. If you don't, see Rule #1. Rule #3: Don't you ever try and fucking run on us,

[He puts his gun to her head, she closes her eyes]

because I got six little friends and they can all run faster than you can. Open your eyes.

[She does]

Gloria, you hang in there, you follow the rules, and you don't fuck with us, and you'll get out of this alive. I give you my word. Okay?

[She nods]

[upon finding the body of Gloria the hostage]Richard, what's wrong with you? Is it me? Is this my fault? Do think that this is what I am? I am a professional fucking thief. I don't kill people that I don't have to, and I don't rape women. What you are doing - what you are doing - what you are fucking doing, is not how it's done. Do you understand? Say "yes, Seth, I understand." Say "yes, Seth, I fucking understand."

Daddy, what would Momma say?Momma's got nothin' to say. She's dead!